


I'll use my words

by VeronicaFerCard



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Canon Divergence - Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Spoilers, Gen, M/M, Steve Needs a Hug, Steve Rogers Feels, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-12
Updated: 2016-05-12
Packaged: 2018-06-07 22:17:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6827317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VeronicaFerCard/pseuds/VeronicaFerCard
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve finally had a quiet moment with Bucky, and he couldn't find his goddamn words.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'll use my words

“I don’t know if I’m worth all this, Steve.”

Steve’s mind, for some reason, went to Rumlow and what he had said. It wasn’t all that surprising really, that the mere mention of Bucky’s name was enough to have Steve completely frozen. He was useless, one syllable and Steve was completely gone. It took ten words – and decades of a whole lot of pain to make them stick – to trigger Bucky, but Steve was so much weaker.

 Bucky had been the motivation behind almost every decision Steve had ever made. He would do anything. He’d _move_ the goddamn world for him.

But Steve had never said anything. He acted, mostly on impulse, but he never put his devotion into words before. It was too much trouble anyway. How could he even begin to? Everything on his vocabulary seemed way too simple to define something he could barely comprehend himself.

It was something bigger than Steve, serum or not. It sometimes marveled him that he could even hold something so large inside himself. Steve was sure someday he would be torn apart by this force that had been growing inside of him ever since he first laid eyes on Bucky.

And for a moment there he was even willing to sign the Accords.

They went against everything he believed; Steve had seen too much, from fancy words used to mask real intentions, to people that claimed that _this is for your own good_. He’d been a puppet before; he had done what he was told by the government and if he had stick to that… Bucky and a bunch of other people would be dead for good now. Steve was not arrogant to believe himself above the law, but he had trusted the wrong people way too many times. He was not going to let them use him as their weapon anymore.

But then…

For a moment it seemed like that was the way to save Bucky. Steve could take him home, or at least to their own country. Bucky would be taken care of. The possibility of it was such a temptation. Steve was willing to put his convictions behind to see him safe. And he almost did it. But there was more to think about. He felt responsible for Wanda, and as much as he needed to take care of Buck, Steve had to think of her too.

He had dropped Stark’s pen and silently asked Bucky for forgiveness, making yet another promise. He would make things right. He would do right by Bucky this time around.

Steve became what he was so that he could follow Bucky to war. He brought down SHIELD for what HYDRA did to Bucky. He went against the only family he had now because they didn’t get it, they didn’t know that there was someone applying cool rags on his burning forehead at least once a month before; that more often than not he was lulled to sleep by prayers whispered at his bedside, uttered from lips that had long claimed they didn’t believe in it. But Steve knew better, his ma had always told him, there was no stronger believer than a desperate man; and Steve remember way too well the way Bucky used to bargain with god to keep him alive.

No one understood. Bucky was there when there was nothing. Bucky was everything Steve had in this world. And now Steve was regretting never telling him that when he had the chance, because now not even Bucky seemed to believe. Steve was still not sure about how much Bucky actually remembered, but he never told Bucky how much he meant to him; and _God,_ he should have.

Actions spoke louder than words, didn’t they? Steve hoped to god that was true, because right now his throat was closed and if he even dared to open his mouth he would start bawling and he would crash yet another plane into the ice.  But god-fucking-damn it, was Bucky worth it?

Steve had to suppress a snort.

Was _Steve_ fucking worth it? That should be the question.

Time and again he kept getting yet another chance to get Bucky, to have him in his life. And Steve couldn’t help but to think he kept fucking things up. Was he worth another shot? Did he deserve it? To have Bucky with him, however little Bucky remembered about him, about the life they had shared, so close that sometimes Steve didn’t even know if they were two people or only one. It certainly felt like he died when Bucky fell.

Steve could not screw this up now, not when his heart had finally began to beat again, two years ago when he saw Bucky’s face; those eyes that looked at him and showed no recognition, but that were blinking, there was air coming from those lungs. Steve had felt Bucky’s fast heartbeats and his own heart was thawed out at last.

God had granted him one last shot to be with Bucky and Steve wouldn’t fail now. He was going to do right by Bucky and he was going to use his goddamn words, as soon as he find them, to make it clear what Bucky meant to him.

There was nothing in the whole universe that was more worth of anything Steve could have to offer than Bucky Barnes.

Steve wanted to put the quinjet in auto pilot so that he could kneel at Bucky’s feet right now and offer himself bare. He didn’t have anything but his own two hands, the strength someone else had put it inside of him, Steve had nothing more than his life to give. But he had to pay attention to the mission at hand first; Bucky was a strategist and he wouldn’t appreciate Steve deviating from the plan to make declarations.  He would have time for that later.

_Please God_ , let there be time.

Steve kept his mouth shut and hated himself for it. He should be reassuring Bucky, but heck if he had any words for it now.

_Your Bucky_.

Steve should have contradicted Rumlow there. Bucky wasn’t Steve’s, just look at how many times he slipped right between his fingers, just like water. But Steve though, Steve was Bucky’s, every part of him. It was why he didn’t hesitate, why he didn’t even think when he had to put his life on the line for him. A long time ago Steve had made a silent promise, to give his all for Bucky.

And maybe it was time to use his words instead of his actions, instead of his fists. Bucky should never have to doubt his worth, not when Steve was ready to kill or die for him on the spot. But Steve would make sure he knew that…

As soon as he find his goddamn words.


End file.
